How to Make Cake
Pops Balls in 25 Steps
(Only 10 of which are actually necessary)
1) Begin on a day when you have fifteen other more pressing things to do. Attempt to do three other things in between each step below.
2) Bake a cake according to the directions on the box, burning it only slightly when your infant creates an untimely diaper situation.
3) Unfairly curse the altitude, but take comfort in the fact that no one will see how the cake actually turned out.
4) Crumble the cake into a big bowl with your bare hands. (Do not leave the cake crumbles unattended, as your husband is likely to find it upon coming home and assume that you’ve finally gone insane.)
5) Wash hands thoroughly if you’ve recently applied lotion or changed a diaper, then mix half a can of icing into the cake crumbles. (Remove your wedding ring half-way through)
6) Form sticky cake crumb/icing mixture into balls, set on wax paper-covered baking sheet and place in the freezer.
7) While the balls chill, prepare the candy coating in a double-boiler, or a pyrex inside of a pot of water, if that’s the best you can do.
8 ) When the candy chips have melted in a smooth, even-colored liquid, remove cake balls from freezer.
9) Dip a lollipop stick into the melted candy, then immediately plunge it into the center of a cake ball. Take a moment to admire your work.
10) Artfully twirl the cake pop in the melted candy. Try not to panic when you notice that the candy coating is AWFULLY thick.
11) Definitely panic when you realize that you’ve forgotten a styrofoam block for holding the cake pops upright while they dry.
12) Sit there despairing for 45 seconds with a lumpy cake pop in hand while your baby cries and your phone rings and your sense of self-worth plummets like a 401k.
13) Put the cake pop back on the wax paper, upside down, and try to regain a healthy perspective on life while attending to various other crises.
14) Try dipping another cake pop, insanely expecting better results the second time. Realize that half your candy coating has been used up on two cake pops that could each constitute an entire meal.
15) Weep a little, and eat one of the elephantine cake pops to make yourself feel better. Grudgingly admit that they taste okay.
15) Whine about your failure on Facebook.
16) Make your husband eat the other ugly cake pop and cry some more while shoving everything in the fridge or freezer when he tells you–as you already know–that the candy coating is much too thick.
17) Take a couple of days off. Torture yourself by browsing through Bakerella’s archive of fondant-covered miracles. Buy three different kinds of candy coating. Seek advice from professionals/friends on Facebook.
18) Return to your project with renew inspiration, determination! Fortify yourself by eating one of the frozen cake balls.
19) Realize that all of your materials have absorbed an awful onion and garlic flavor from the chili that you put in the fridge yesterday.
20) THROW EVERYTHING AWAY.
21) Repeat steps 1-8.
22) Only, THIS time, make the cake balls much smaller and accidentally splash a SINGLE DROP OF WATER into your candy melts, thereby irrevocably ruining the entire batch.
23) THROW IT ALL AWAY AGAIN! Blast Abba’s “Dancing Queen” from itunes as you hobble from stove to trashcan, alternately singing along and sobbing.
24) Give the microwave thing a try. Admit that it’s much, much better.
25) Spend the next hour sniffling, snuffling, dipping and twirling until you end up with THIS:
Congratulations! You may be emotionally crippled and two pounds heavier, but you’ve made CAKE
Take some more pictures to document your success.
Throw a party.
Serve cake balls.