Unlikely Response

Dear Management,

Thank you for your courteous reminder of the impending termination of my lease. Obviously, we still disagree regarding the original terms, and thus the original time frame, of said lease. As previously stated, I shall remain on the premise until I’m good and ready to depart. I trust you will value our excellent tenant/landlord relationship enough to avoid taking drastic steps to evict me.

Regarding your request for feedback, I DO have a few small suggestions about your service to future inhabitants.

– First of all, please keep in mind that it is an honor to secure a reliable renter in today’s economy: off-hand remarks about the inconveniences of maintaining the property are not appreciated.

– Speaking of maintaining the property, try to understand while all men are created equal, the same is not true for all brands of prenatal vitamins. If you can’t keep it down, it’s not helping either of us out.

– Likewise, if you’re not comfortable with the premises being routinely inspected by professionals, you can imagine that the poking and prodding and monitoring involved in the process isn’t enjoyable for your tenant, either. Consider less invasive caretakers next time.

– If you really want to evict a tenant, you really have to commit to the process. This whole bumpy car rides/spicy foods/ frequent walking deal is, obviously, ineffective and, frankly, a little insulting. You can officially induce or you can wait: pick one.

I hope my suggestions are not too indelicate, but considering the circumstances, I feel that honesty is the best policy. I do appreciate your attempts to ensure my comfort during the past nine months. In retrospect, if I weren’t so comfortable here, I might have departed last week! Funny, isn’t it?

See you sooner or later,




Filed under Domesticity, Faith, Mothering

2 responses to “Unlikely Response

  1. Janet Schamp

    A truism of the ages: baby come when baby ready.
    Wait. Waiting is a great theme of the Bible. Moses waited for years to lead the Israelites out of Egypt, then they waited for 40 years, wandering in the wilderness, before they got to the promised land (and it was their kids who made it, not the parents). David was annointed king, and then waited years before he actually became king, being targeted by Saul’s hit men most of the time.

    Waiting another week or so for a baby is nothing. You can do it.

  2. Peter Schamp

    I love that you’re taking this with a touch of self-deprecating humor (its genetic, perhaps?)… and I’m glad to get to observe the baby-mother legal standoff from a distance. I don’t suppose the landlord has to seek an outside lawyer or consultant to handle the matter, does she?


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