Open Letter

(Inspired by McSweeny’s Open Letters To Persons or Entities Unlikely to Respond)

Dear Occupant,

As your lease comes to a close, the management would like to thank you for your business and request any particular feedback you might have after nearly nine months as a tenant.  As you know, you are the first resident we’ve had the pleasure of serving and so your comments are very important to us.

We have taken great pains to ensure that you’ve found your accommodations comfortable. We hope you enjoyed the extra oxygen intake during pre-natal yoga sessions, as well as the extra time devoted to day-time napping. While there have been mutual benefits enjoyed by the consumption of folic acid supplements and the reduction of caffeine intake, we did find your request for total teetotaling uncalled for and somewhat puritanical.

Unfortunately, we will not be refunding your security deposit at the end of your stay. While we are pleased that you’ve been able to accommodate your growing needs through creative methods of expansion, some of your remodeling work has had less than desirable effects on the estate. While no damage is absolutely irrevocable, it will be quite some time before this particular unit is marketable again. We expect you understand what we mean by this.

Regarding your departure from the premise (we like to avoid uncomfortable terms, like “eviction”): please be considerate of the natural limits of the physical passageways of the place as you depart from your uterine home. We recommend a brief review of the laws of physics before attempting any sort of hasty removal. While we will be happy to assist in any way we can, your cooperation is an essential component for a smooth transition.

Please contact us with any questions or concerns. Thank you for being mindful of your due date.





Filed under Mothering

5 responses to “Open Letter

  1. Janet Schamp


  2. Erika

    Love it! I also hope he is mindful of his due date 🙂

  3. Baby

    Uh…thanks, Mom. I guess. I’m sure my new digs will be just fine. Can I use you for a reference?

  4. Eva

    Love. This. So funny!

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